11. My Loneliness and Association with the Father
Thus, I had to mature in this environment alone since I had not a single helper who could have been able to explain to me all this. And, again, I had to leave everything to my contact with my own self and with God the Father.
But my thoughts, for a moment, did get more enlightened. I did not know how it happened but I did feel that a clear thought arrived in to give me an explanation about the issue I did not understand and the one I was reflecting in my mind, and that I had even related to my God the Father; not only to the Father of Israel but also to my Father. I did receive such thoughts and they consistently told me that God was one and He loved all, and He was everywhere and always, and with all and uniformly with both poor and rich, Jews and gentiles, sick and healthy, children and elderly, women and men, that it was only man that could turn away from God while God never turned away from man, that only a man could punish another man while God never punished anyone. Those thoughts were so close to my heart and so strengthening me that I always enjoyed them and I was ever more expecting for some other thought to visit my mind to strengthen and support me in such a difficult and unfair situation of Jews.
It was very hard for me I could not share these thoughts with anyone. Nobody could understand them because they did not match the beliefs presented by the Scripture. Therefore, they were always pressing me from within. And I was tormented by the question as to what must to be done that I could also share those thoughts with others to enable them to feel the light of similar thoughts? How to make those thoughts available to all so that it would become possible to preach them even in synagogues, how to achieve the situation that those thoughts would dominate the people‘s hearts?
I did not know the path but I felt I had to do something so that this light burning me from within, and at the same time a soothing light, would be proclaimed. But how? How to proclaim it when the environment was so restrictive, when any word and thought not from the Scripture was attacked right away even in my own home, by my beloved parents?
My thoughts about God would always soothe and strengthen me. That was the only refreshing thing in this environment that rendered neither freedom nor room for the manifestation of my thoughts; and since I did feel such a comfort within my own self so I started passing from my conversation with my own self to my conversation with God more often. I wanted to compare Him not with God of Israel, with Jahve, with the Father of Israel but rather with my Father.
I enjoyed it very much to begin to address Him by “My beloved Father.“ This address of mine matched my inner state: “God loves, and I must love Him rather than be afraid of Him.“ And who can love any child more than the father or the mother of the child. I had a feeling that mother‘s love was very tender but I could not address God by “My beloved Mother.“ That address could not come to my mind. I was also influenced by the Jewish scriptures, by the family education, by my friends, by the teachers at the synagogue school, by the rabbis preaching, by the explanations of the scribes, by the stories of the caravan travelers that I heard since my childhood in