101. Relationship with the Father Comes not at once as it is also being Witnessed by the Experience of My Apostle

For you it is hard to believe my words, but for many years my words have been already testified to you by my present apostle who prior to the establishment of the current relationship with the Father has also experienced much fear and anxiety, a desire to achieve the material heights, a pain of betrayal, turning away by his friends, his total isolation by both the environment and the family, and only after he has discovered the Father within himself, after he has been born of the spirit that all the negative features of his character tormenting him from within as if had been cleaned off by somebody‘s invisible hand so that his soul would be able to see thru a marvelously clean window glass such a colorful and beautiful picture of the creation with your planet being just a tiny poppy seed of it. It has become to him so small and so beautifully loved by him that no room remained within him for the dark and destructive emotions of fear and anger to be spread out; and instead of them love, truth, and light of the Father discovered within him have been shining to and warming him. And he has experienced all this thanks to his efforts, thanks to his sincere desire to share his knowledge and light with others even though he has not had any other teacher who might have explained to him as to how to make a little step, a definite step, on every day.             

He relied on the great teachers who were teaching with the light that was too bright for him as well, therefore lighting up the whole too much, but in his daily and ordinary searching for the path direction towards God, towards man, he had to stray by himself. He was reading many nice and truthful books but he was personally in need of a simple and understandable word as to how to feel God‘s love within, how to love God and man even though he had been reading a lot about it. But these readings did not point out definite steps as to what he had to do so that these wonderful assertions – one‘s love for God and one‘s love for man – might be felt, really experienced.   

Therefore, his stray within himself, deep monologues with himself, pain and anguish within himself due to the abundant manifestation of force and materialism around even at the expense of curbing a free will of others, were posing ever new questions that the answers presented in the written sources even though very deep and light did not turn into his own experience, and thus were only as the dry theoretical teachings. And his trepidation lasted for many a year; every day. But at some moments he would notice that some intangible peace would come in as he, being alone and staying with his eyes closed, would make an attempt to envision himself as merging with some inconceivable to him Force in all the cosmos. And this inconceivable merging with something, that was not conceived by his mind in any definite form, in any definite state, but rather as merely the vastness of cosmos in which there must be some Superior Force, would give him a real experience of peace and satisfaction within that would last just for several minutes. And then again he would get back to his hard environment. After one year of such meditations of mind providing him the moments of peace he, little by little, in the evening already before falling asleep, began to thank the Father, to thank me for the day lived thru. He began to thank a person without attempting to merge with the universe of space. Still later his gratification to the Father and me began to acquire an expression of the desires of his higher self, of his soul; and this expression was tinged with sincerity but lacked faith. He was doing it as if being unable to understand himself why he was doing it or how to do it, and whether it had to be done at all. His mind was watching it, as if from without, that something within him wanted to express in words some bright aspirations to God.          

And these aspirations were simple such as that all men would be healthy, that all men would enjoy the mutual understanding that would be deeper, that he would be able to understand himself. His thoughts were similar to an expression of separate, not interrelated, desires that were devoted to God. He did not perceive it even himself that it was exactly this type of the path that was meant for each mortal: To establish a sincere monologue with the Father, with me.  

Man cannot hear the Father‘s voice at once that is inaudibly speaking to each of you all the time. It always starts with the monologue of a mortal, with an incoherent, completely disorderly expression of one‘s thoughts that even the mortal himself hardly understands what he is doing at that moment, and how he is doing it, since the mortal‘s mind has not been accustomed to these things, it has not been clarified these things by anyone meanwhile a superior mind of the soul does not yet have so much power over the lower human mind to suppress it altogether so that it would not meddle in at all and, by this, would not disrupt the breakthrough of the thoughts that the mortal‘s lips utter and that belong to the soul that is coming into existence.  

It is for this purpose that my teachings are meant that you would ever more understand that it is your true self, your personality bestowed by the Father that must break thru the shell of your earthly and human selfish mind to be able to talk live and meaningfully with the Father, and even to serve Him and all the creation while doing good deeds every day and without expecting any material or any other reward that attracts the lower and selfish human ego so much.

And to my would-be apostle those unclear thoughts, those weak aspirations of his soul gradually started transforming into the adequate thoughts, and possessing an ever deeper meaning. Little by little he began to realize that these thoughts lay some responsibility on him, they obligate him to something. Therefore he began to select as to what thoughts were too bold to be said to the Father. For instance, sometimes he still had a desire to have a little bit of strong drinks or beer together with his friends. And he did not want to give up this form of association with them; even though alcohol also provided him relaxation. Therefore, in his conversations with the Father and with me he was avoiding to give any pledges and even petitions to the effect that he might be given a chance to associate without alcohol. He would explain to himself that any thought he expressed to the Father or to me had its meaning provided that it was rendered sincerely and at the same time if he was undertaking his own responsibility, once this thought would reach the point of its expression in his life, whether he would accept this expression. Therefore for a long time he did not dare to include into his monologue this sort of ending – “Father, not mine but your will be done.“ He would end these monologues without this final thought. Once he tried to include this winding up thought but right away took his words back clarifying it to himself:, “No, I cannot say this yet. And what if I do not like the Father‘s will. And I shall have to do it all the same since I shall have told Him that myself. Maybe some time later. But today I still want to leave a bigger freedom to myself so that it would not be limited by the will of the Father since I do not know as to what His will is. You never know what He might entrust me to do. It is better not to pledge what subsequently I would be unable to carry out.“